Godzilla vs Kong: When Mediocrity Collides
Updated: Apr 15
Let me begin this review by stating that there will be spoilers about the gem that was Godzilla vs Kong. I felt that this movie was perfect to review because I have no bias towards Godzilla or King Kong. I was interested to see who would come out on top mainly due to all the advertising that was going on up to the movie’s release. I started off by getting caught up on Kong: Skull Island, Godzilla (2014) and Godzilla: King of Monsters before getting into the main event. If you have not seen them all yet and care about spoilers LEAVE NOW. Stop reading, close your browser, and avoid the internet until you can. Without further ado let’s dive into some monster brawling.
Personally, I am not a fanboy for Kong or Godzilla, so it makes it easier to be honest about this movie. I do not have any nostalgia getting in the way or clouding my judgement. It was a hot dumpster fire! I know I will make some people mad for stating that, however, hear me out on why this movie was so bad. After the events of Kong: Skull Island we find out that a bio dome has been put around Kong to keep him contained. We also find out that he doesn’t like that when he decides to throw a tree at it. At the same time, we find that the so-called King of Monsters, Godzilla, is attacking places for no reason. Two things that truly have nothing to do with each other. Some humans decide that there might be a world within our world that these monsters came from, including Kong. That place might also have a massive energy source and they believe that Kong could lead them back to it. He’s immediately chained to a ship, taken out on the open sea, and this is where he first encounters Godzilla.
Ding, ding! Fight number 1 goes down! Godzilla owns the sea which means we already know who is winning. Don’t get me wrong Kong fought for his life, but if it wasn’t for the battalion that was with him then he would have died. Godzilla dragged his ass 10,000 leagues under the sea. Then when Kong finally came back up they had to PLAY DEAD because Godzilla was about to tear them all to pieces. They manage to survive that first fight and then our main gorilla is air-lifted to a location that will take him back home. After a little coercion he goes down the hole to Kong’s home world. It is massive and filled with other big monsters too. He remembers where to go, so we are treated to scenes of this new world as Kong journeys back. Upon arrival there are no other gorillas there, however there is a super special energy axe that seems to be for plot purposes. Of course, the bad humans double cross everyone and oh at the exact same time Godzilla happens to be directly above them on the surface. When Kong uses the axe for an energy tower Godzilla can sense it and does the only logical thing, he uses his atomic breath blast to burn a hole through the planet until it reaches where Kong is and destroys his home. Luckily, the hole is big enough for Kong to get through! He picks up the axe, climbs upwards, and thus round 2 is upon us.
Kong didn’t forget that L he took in the first fight and he comes in hot with that axe. He got some hits and Godzilla got some hits. There was biting, clawing, strategic maneuvering, axe throwing, and atomic breath shooting. In the end our boy Kong took his second L and this one was so bad that his heart had to be jump started. I repeat Kong got beat so terribly that he needed to be defibrillated. Is that the right term? When you are on the verge of death, so they electrocute your heart to get it pumping again? He comes back and helps Godzilla tag team MechaGodzilla before both go their separate ways with respect for each other. Yeah, that is how the movie ends everyone. Kong got his ass handed to him in the sea and on land. You can’t be “King” when you lose 2 out of 2 fights because that’s just simple math. I am officially naming Godzilla the winner here, however we all lost when this movie was made.
My biggest complaint about this movie is the amount of humans. For a film about two titans clashing there was a ridiculous number of people that were part of the plot. On top of that there were only two scenes of fighting between Godzilla and Kong. They should have fought for a majority of the time, yet it felt like it was maybe 20 -25 mins combined if you don't include them fighting MechaGodzilla. There is a whole sub plot that was not important enough to mention. Overall, this movie was very “meh”. It had the potential to be amazing and failed to deliver due to a weak plot. Also, to all the Kong fans saying Godzilla cheated I don’t think there are rules to a monster street fight. Even if there were I asked Dr. Strange and he said there wasn’t a reality where Kong would have won. In the famous fashion of Scott Pilgrim, Kong you have received the “KO!” Congratulations on becoming the "king" of not being able to get up.